Man Vs. Woman: The Shower

Part 1: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:


Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg- lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and tjaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower and squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


Part 2: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her while making the woo-woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire your wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on her pillow.


If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you. LOL Have a great day!

Oh, and ... woo woo!!!





"It's not the men in my life that counts, it's the life in my men." ~Mae West

Somebody 'Splain It To Me...

...cuz I just don't get it.

I recently had my car serviced--just a normal 3,000 mile check-up. Anyway, the car dealership has been calling to do a survey on how my service call went. They've called when I'm not home.

So it goes something like this:

Ring. Ring.

(answering machine clicks on) "You've reached xxx. We can't take your call right now. Please leave a message at the beep."

Beep.

"Hello, this is xxx, calling from XYZ Car Company. May I please speak to xxx?"

And then they wait.

I come home and listen to the message and end up doing exactly what they did--I talk to my answering machine.

It goes something like this:

(listen to the message)

"Why are you asking to talk to me? You got my @#&%*! answering machine, you nimwit."

I must say, the whole thing doesn't give me a lot of faith in the intelligence of the employees of the company. I've gotten 3 calls this week exactly like this--from 3 different people.

Oy.

I guess they're not listening to the message part, and just start talking when it sounds like they've rung through. Is that it?

Whatever it is, it's making me nuts.




"It takes two to get one in trouble." ~Mae West

I'm SExy Today

I'm over at SEx today, the blog for Liquid Silver Authors--come on over and say hi!





"Too much of a good thing can be wonderful." ~Mae West

One Of My Favorite Pics...

I know I've posted this before, but it's such a great picture, I had to put him up for y'all to look at again. Grrrrrrrrrowf!





Four be the things I'd have been better without: love, curiosity, freckles and doubt." ~Dorothy Parker

I Don't Like Spam!

Actually, believe it or not, I do kinda like Spam, the meat-like product. It's good fried and dipped in mustard, with a little American cheese melted over it... Yum!

The spam I'm talking about today is email spam. First of all, I don't need anything that's going to "make her love you even more" or make me "a bigger man". Oh, and I get a lot of emails to buy OEM software. I've heard of OEM software, but I have no clue what it is. And no interest in buying it.

But here's what I don't get. The spam I've been getting lately on my gmail account is made up of question marks. So, for example, the "From" line looks like this:

????

And the subject line looks a little like this:

??????????????????

And the message (I haven't clicked to open any of them, but with Gmail you get the first little bit of text) looks something like this:

???????????????????????? ???????????

And sometimes there's even an exclamation point in there somewhere, like this:

?????????????????! ?????????????

What the...? What's the use in sending spam email that has only question marks in it?

Anybody know?




"No gold-digging for me...I take diamonds! We may be off the gold standard someday." ~Mae West

A Laugh To Start Off The Weekend

A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."


LOL

I'm over at Torrid Temptations today--please drop in and say hi. :)


Happy Groundhog Day--Spring's on its way. Have a great weekend!





"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana." ~Groucho Marx

When English Isn't Your First Language

At work yesterday I was reviewing job-related accidents that occurred in 2006--I have to post our OSHA 300 logs today, which detail types of injuries, days lost, restricted work days, etc. Usually pretty boring stuff. Except... in one of the reports, one of our drivers was in a company truck, waiting for a car to turn, and was rear-ended by some guy. Only that's not quite what he wrote.

What he wrote on the accident report went something like this:

"I was waiting to turn and a gay heat my behind."

I snorted my diet coke. And realized that, some days, it's all worth it, just for little things like that.

Hope I have as good a day today as I did yesterday. *G*





"It isn't what I do, but how I do it. It isn't what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it." ~Mae West