Saturday, August 02, 2008

Friday Funny...On Saturday

My blog was erroneously classified by Blogger's automatic spam-finder as a spam blog, and I couldn't post a blog yesterday until late in the evening. I figured I'd just wait and post today. So...

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. --Author Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY,and they meet at the bar. --Drew Carey

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. --Jeff Foxworthy

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base. --Dave Barry

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." --Paula Poundstone

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner. --Lynda Montgomery

If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. --Johnny Carson

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. --Paul Rodriguez

My parents didn't want to move to Florida , but they turned sixty and that's the law. --Jerry Seinfeld

Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower? --Warren Hutcherson

Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same. --Oscar Wilde

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself. --Mark Twain

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that! --Dave Barry

Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer. --W. C Fields

Have a great weekend!

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