Dr. Phil's Test

To find out what kind of person you are, take this test. Answer the questions for the person you are today, in reality, and not how you'd like to be. :)

1. When do you feel your best?
a) in the morning
b) during the afternoon/early evening
c) late at night

2. You usually walk...
a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head down
e) very slowly

3. When talking to people you...
a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with...
a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) your legs stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled under you

5. When something really amuses you, you react with...
a) big appreciative laugh
b) a laugh, but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...
a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted...
a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely irritated
c) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
a) Red or orange
b) black
c) yellow or light blue
d) green
e) dark blue or purple
f) white
g) brown or gray

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are...
a) stretched out on your back
b) stretched out face down on your stomach
c) on your side, slightly curled
d) with your head on one arm
e) with your head under the covers

10. You often dream that you are...
a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant

POINTS:

1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7 . (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 ( c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1

Now add up the total number of points.

OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful and practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expects the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.

21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.

UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.


So...what's your score?

(And a thank you to Stephanie for forwarding this on to me.)





"I intend to live forever, or die trying." ~Groucho Marx

Interesting Facts

According to Harpers.org, here are some interesting sex facts from around the globe:

4/99 - Settlement paid 3 female federal inmates in 1998 after guards sold them as sex slaves to male prisoners: $500,000. Number of the 9 prison employees named in the inmates' lawsuit, charged with selling the woman as sex slaves to male prisoners, who were charged with a crime: 0. (Go figure.)

5/11/05 - Scientists found that sexually well-endowed fish are slower swimmers and thus more likely to be eaten. (But all the girl fish still find them attractive, right?)

2/2/06 - An Arizona State University student was arrested for masturbating in a school library. "To be honest," he explained, "the Internet connection at my dorm isn't good enough." (What else can I say here?)

4/19/06 - Belgian researchers found that men lose their decision-making skills when exposed to an attractive woman. (Well, yeah. Cuz only one head works at a time...)

5/15/06 - The mayor of Scottsdale, Arizona, was offended by a new restaurant called the Pink Taco. (Better then the Camel Toe, I guess...)

5/29/06 - There was a public masturbation festival in San Francisco. (Um. Okay. Nothing to add here, either.)

9/06 - Typical length, in minutes, of all-male dolphin orgies: 20. (And male dolphins will work together (anywhere from 3 to 5 of them) to herd a female and then gang-rape her. Not quite the cute little critters we think they are, eh?)

1/31/07 - Rubber genitals were stolen from the set of the new "Hannibal" movie. (So, Hannibal was going to eat someone's genitals... or was he going to "eat" them...?")





"Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions." ~Woody Allen

FYI

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I wanna be a pig.)

A cockroach will live for 9 days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. But I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against the wall burns 150 calories an hour. (Don't try this at home. Maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the...!?!")

A flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,500 taste buds. (What can be so tasty at the bottom of a lake?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life--quality over quantity.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmm.....)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (And that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who got paid to find that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig?)




Hope you smiled at least once reading through these. Have a great day!





"A hard man is good to find." ~Mae West

Superstar

Have you seen this BMW short movie? It has Clive Owen (yummy!) and Madonna, and was directed by Madonna's husband, Guy Ritchie. Warning: it's 8 minutes long, but it is sooooo worth it.

"You're never too old to become younger." ~Mae West

Playing With Words

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7 . Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
3. Giraffiti (n) Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
4. Sarchasm (n) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
5. Inoculatte (v) To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
6. Hipatitis (n) Terminal coolness.
7. Osteopornosis (n) A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
8. Karmageddon (n) It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
9. Decafalon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
10. Glibido (v) All talk and no action.
11. Dopelar effect (n) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
12. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
13. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
14. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature: Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.



Whoever came up with those, they were gooood!





"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you." ~Groucho Marx

Dementia Test

You know that exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. Try not to look ahead to the answers.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.


1. What do you put in a toaster?









Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.



2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?








Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.



3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?











Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.



4. It's thirty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?











Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.



5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus; In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?











Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!




How'd you do? (I'll admit, the one about Germany I was prepared for. My dad got me on that one years and years ago! He always was doing stuff like that, trying to teach me to listen to people better--"Don't hear what you think I'm saying, listen to what I'm actually saying.")




"Don't ever make the same mistake twice, unless it pays." ~Mae West