Friday, May 20, 2011

Friday Funny

Funny Quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." --Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." --Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. --Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. --George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. --Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. --Mark Twain

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. --Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. --Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. --Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. --Alex Levine

Money can't buy you happiness... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. --Spike Milligan

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. --Bob Hope

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. --Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. --Phyllis Diller

1 comment:

Colleen Love said...

Love these!! Especially Mark Twain! I would have loved to have met him! lol