I've Heard of Hand Jobs Before...

...but this, well, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want this job.

On the Discovery Channel Saturday night, I saw a program called "Man-Made Mammals". I came into it about 5 minutes after it started, just in time to hear them talking about elephant penises. Apparently, a male elephant's penis must be at least five feet long if he's gonna get lucky and father any babies.

*double take* Five frickin' feet long?!? I'm 5'4". I'm still trying to wrap my brain around a penis that's as long as I am tall. I don't even want to think about how thick it is.

But wait. It gets better. The veterinarians/zoo biologists were going to artificially inseminate a female elephant. So, of course, they need semen, right?

How'd you like the job of masturbating a male elephant? Cuz that's what this one guy did. And it was a workout for him. I mean, how could it not be, stroking five feet of elephant meat?

Then it's store the semen, get on a plane (and, yeah, airport security was "What's in there?" and the guy actually kept a straight face when he said, "Elephant semen." The security guard's face didn't stay straight. LOL), get to the other zoo, then insert an over five foot long catheter into the elephant. (Picture it: if it's five feet long, it's not gonna be the size of a catheter that gets put into a human.) Needless to say, all of the women who were watching winced.

Then the program went on to show them taking semen from a white rhino. It involved putting a rather large vibrator type thing into his rectum to, er, excite the animal (who was sedated--really, would you want to be anywhere close to his private parts if he's awake?). The sentiment is a noble one--saving animals from extinction.

But, as far as jobs go, aren't you glad you have the one you do? I know I am!


"A career is born in public, talent in privacy." ~Marilyn Monroe